Counting down toward number one, this passage is a slam dunk for my list. Thirty-three years ago it sprang to life in me and helped set me on a new course. I had been a follower of Jesus for ten years, looking for ways to be used by him, but slowly and unknown to me my heart had grown hard.
I still preached and taught and wrote, and I still sat down with others and shared my faith. I still gathered my wife and children, and we worshipped God in our home. But I had become a negative presence. I had let bitterness come in and set up shop.
And then I heard a friend, a brother and a preacher talk about Hebrews 3: “Don’t harden your hearts.” And as he spoke conviction from God worked its way into those places of bitterness, and light from God began to help me see. I saw where I was and who had become. Thanks be to God for spiritual friends.
Then I reread Psalm 51 written by another man who had seen what he had become, and I began to pray with him,
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
And now thirty-three years later I am still praying that prayer and thanking God that he can create that which I cannot.
Tom,
ReplyDeleteI am going thru this exact experience in my walk now. I've been a Christian for 13years. I am disciple up here in Manhattan region of NYC Church. The Wrights have been leading us for many years since the '03 blowup. I recently served as Deacon appointed by the congregation but I had to resign last Nov due to bitterness. I stuffed many of my bad attitudes the entire year. I tried to sweep it under the carpet and just muscle on like a good soldier. I wasn't critical or negative in the fellowship but my anger seeped out into my home and my wife and kids received the brunt of my negative emotions.
As I look back I realize how my anger affected my family. I see how it wasn't Godly. I have been fasting/praying and studying out anger since. I feel God is setting me a new course as you had blogged in your experience 33 years ago. However, Satan is relentless. I now struggle with doubt. Doubt about how I said things to either the brothers in a corporate setting or individually. I don't regret what I said I doubt how I went about it. It's been hindering my confidence moving forward. The doubt causes me to look backward and feel guilty. When I doubt I lack confidence and I lose Faith and security in my relationship with God.
My brother recently inspired me with his change of heart in his relationship with God and how he's made some radical changes. He's suggested I read a book entitled "Shattered Dreams" which describes how when our life seems shattered is when God enters and rebuilds it with even bigger dreams than you had before.
I hope you can understand the details as much as I've written. I fight daily to regain my Faith. I fight to avoid temptations that the church looks at me like damaged goods but its so hard. I fight daily to ward of Satan's attack as the doubt seeps into my job.
Any words of wisdom or sharing if you have the time would be so Heavenly sent. Any prayers abound would help too. I've followed your blog for about 4 years now and this is the first reply. I am so grateful for your Faith and your Blog. Thank you!
In Him, Carlito (ccabelin@gmail.com)
Carlito,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your heart - surely that is a step in the right direction.
In regards to you seeing yourself as "damaged goods" I do not believe that. Indeed, those "damages" can be used by God to teach you (and probably others) many new and meaningful lessons.
I will be praying for you and your journey.
YBIC,
Greg S. Jackson
Great reminder Tom! Carlito, there are some good thing coming out of the simapore church led by the Louis! Schema and the stuff they talk about are really helpful!
ReplyDeleteYBIC
Pb
Carlito, Thanks for your openness. I, too, have spoken out of bitterness and emotion to my sisters and brothers. I've also felt
ReplyDeletethat people "avoid me because of my wounds" (Ps. 38:11) or just don't know how to interact with me because of my issues.
I decided to move forward and work daily on building a new "reputation" for myself as a person of respect and faith. I pray often to be a person that I can respect and that the fellowship and outsiders can respect as well. God knows the things that have happened to me in the church but He wants me to move forward and not succumb to the "sin that so easily entangles" like self doubt, self-condemnation, and worry.
I hope you will fight to breathe the fresh air of a new day like I do. There is no condemnation for us. If we believe that, it changes the way we see ourselves and the way we treat others. Then Satan can't sap our confidence in God.
Tom,
ReplyDeleteYou couldn't have written on a better subject if you tried. I too have struggled with reoccurring bitterness towards my brothers and sisters in Christ. At first, I didn't want to admit that is what was happening. However, the more that I fought it, the more that God revealed it. I realize as I go through the healing process that my bitterness stems from friendships that have been damaged or just plain don't exist anymore.
What do you do when you are a disciple and people that you thought were your best friends aren't there anymore? I mean in the world you just walk away and let it go, but in the kingdom that isn't so easy. As I continue to wrestle with these emotions I am unsure on how to feel resolved. However, I know that THIS is not worth my salvation.
I will pray for those who have openly shared their heart and I ask that you pray for me as well. I know that God is working powerfully, I just hope and pray that I find some semblance of peace so that I can move forward.
YSIC
Charice
Thanks to all my brothers and sister for sharing your hearts and your thoughts. I read today, in Luke 14, about what the cost of following Jesus would be. We have to pay a hefty price in order to follow Christ wholeheartedly. The cost of pride, selfishness, self-pity, selfish ambition, arrogance, envy, self-righteousness and the like. Making a choice to change the way I think about things (mind change) helps me to run to God. Remember that God has set His Spirit in our hearts as a deposit guaranteeing what is to come.
ReplyDeleteI will pray for you all and please pray for me.
YSIC,
Linda
I love Mind Change, Tom. I love Jesus, our brother, Redeemer, Savior and Lord. Today I read in my book "HE AROSE! and this changes everything." There is hope.
ReplyDeleteGod continues to show me my character;the good,the bad and the ugly. I can relate. We so much need to encourage, forgive, and pray for one another. We are a family.
Hold one and keep persevering, may we all stand firm till the end. God is faithful
James 1:12 is a great scripture to hold tight.
Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.